Recession Special: The Return of "Games Night"

A close personal "friend" of mine (I don't really have friends... just acquaintances) recently decided to stay in town on the Friday of the May long weekend rather than going to his cottage in Muskoka like a good little WASP. More perplexing, his reason for staying in the city was that he was hosting a "Games Night" as a belated celebration for his 26th birthday.

Question: Has the 20-something crowd been so shaken by the recent economic meltdown that is has fundamentally lost its understanding of its social responsibilities?

How is the WASP crowd going to perpetuate the survival of its species if not through gin and tonic-soaked revelry away from the unawashed masses of the city in the safe haven of Muskoka? Has the credit crisis so altered the perceptions of the WASP elite that it has crushed their grand aspirations of living like a modern day Gatsby, leaving them to instead act like a generation of sexually neutered, internet suicide cult following Japanese teenagers?

Am I overreacting? Should a solitary indiscretion not be taken to signal a fundamental shift in WASP values? Perhaps our WASP in question has aspirations of real estate moguldom and could not step away from the Monopoly board. Perhaps, the contemplated hours trapped on the parking lot known as the 400 were too grim to endure.

I say NO my friends! This is not an overreaction. The WASP mystique centres around stereotypes and, more importantly, the reinforcement of these stererotypes. What stereotype is more central to WASPiness then that of May 2-4 weekend at the cottage.

I am sad to say that times they are a changing. The mid-life crisis has become the plague of the 20-something crowd as preppy kids everywhere question whether they missed the boat on capitalism and need to rethink their extravagant expectations. I say to hell with change and altering expectations. I prefer to live vicariously through myself and plan to be the last one standing at the party until the Socialists drag me out of my dream and pull me kicking and screaming into their equalitarian utopia.

By the way... my "friend's" name is Evan Jellie.

Who Are You?

So we know a little bit about me (more to come on that later) but who are you? This brings me to one of my favorite topics: stereotypes. I make it my goal each and everyday to reinforce as many stereotypes as possible, and you should too. If you're one of those idiots who blathers on about breaking down stereotypes, you are dismissed!

Finance Stereotypes

Big Fish Small Pond (aka "Big Swinging Dick - Toronto Edition")

• This is the man we all strive to become. He is confident in his abilities and understands the benefits of a career in Toronto where he knows all the players. New York and London are great but a new shark is born there everyday and this man doesn't like to waste time worrying about staying on top.
• Characteristics: Hermes ties, Range Rover for the wife and kids, son/daughter at UCC/Branksome, lakefront cottage (not neccessarily in Muskoka - this man is confident enough to understand that the party is where he says it is)

Big Fish Small Pond Who Thinks He's in a Big Pond (aka "The Delusional Man")

• To the untrained observer, this man is indistinguishable from the man above. The critical difference is that this man does not concede the difference between NYC/London and Toronto, and believes he is on the front edge of global high finance. For this man it is inevitable that he will one day meet a Hedge Fund Superstar and realize that he isn't the international financial powerhouse he once believed himself to be. This will be followed by a realization that there are more people who have Harvard undergrads, 3 years of analyst at Goldman, a Wharton MBA and carry at a PE shop then he ever would have imagined. This will lead to the steady decline of this man. It will start with the famous "mid-life crisis" and only get worse from there.
• Characteristics: Ferragamo ties (less expensive than Hermes and he doesn't know the difference), son/daughter at Crescent (or God forbid, some alternative private school)/Bishop Strachan, international family vacations (London, Southern France etc.)

The Complacent Man (aka "The Sucker at the Table")

• This man is either the underqualified one who is thrilled to simply have a job in finance (and is always afraid of being found out) or the unsuccessful evolution of the stereotype below after all that was once good about him has been beaten out of him. 90% of the time this man works at a Big 5 Canadian Bank and quickly comes to the realization that these institutions do not promote a culture of stars... complacency quickly ensues. After several years in the categorization, the Complacent Man is virtually indistinguishable from a career lawyer or accountant.
• Characteristics: Hugo Boss (these motherfuckers always love Hugo Boss) or worse (no tie), surprisingly nice car (purchased in a moment of weakness to confirm that the terrible hours will have their payoff), cottage in Muskoka... this man is lucky if he can afford a trip to Cancun during Spring Break after having overleveraged himself to buy a decent house within 45 minutes of the office.

The Boy Gangster (aka "The Most Dangerous Man in the Room")

• This boy is dangerous because he understands the rules of the game but also that he can become bigger than the game (see Rule #3 in the post above). This boy went to an elite prep school, Ivy League university or, in some rare instances, came from absolutely nowhere. He is strong analytically but also understands that finance is about relationships and that being able to work a room is more important than knowing that Alt+O+D is the shortcut for conditional formatting. There are three potential outcomes for The Boy Gangster: 1) to become the Big Fish Small Pond 2) to realize that the clients that pay our ridiculous fees must make even more and move across the table or 3) to fail spectacularly by becoming the Sucker at the Table.
• Characteristics: spends money on ties (Charvet, Canali, Armani etc.) and shoes (Ferragamo, Prada etc.). This is different from his US equivalent who inevitably leans towards Brooks Brothers and Gucci. No car... why would I invest in a depreciating asset. Apartment in Summerhill or Forest Hill South.

The Fake Banker (aka "The Future Consultant")

• Lets not spend too much time on this abomination. Starts as an analyst. Shortly thereafter begins saying things like "I just don't think we add value" and "I feel like my learning curve has flattened out". Inevitably leaves banking for consulting and is never heard from again. Ironically, this is the guy who never shut up about finance all through university and daydreamed about "models and bottles" while religously reading Leveraged Sellout.
• Characteristics: Tie? No thank you... it restricts my creativity. The extra curricular section on this guy's resume is more padded than my bankroll after a successful day at the races.

Who Am I?

Facts

1. I am born and raised in Toronto. Toronto is not New York or London but Toronto is a great city. Toronto is big enough that I don't have to socialize with people that can't afford to be in my social circle and small enough that I don't need to worry about spending all my time keeping track of people worth knowing.

2. I work in finance.

• If you just had a violent reaction, you're probably a lawyer - keep papering that deal
• If you just rolled your eyes, you're probably a consultant - I don't have anything to say to you... you're not worth my time
• If you just slipped into daydream mode then you're definitely an accountant - keep on fucking dreaming!
• Most importantly, if your knees just went a little weak, you might just be my kind of girl - I always say... my time is precious but here's my AMEX

3. I like nice things. It is not a crime to like nice things. I dabble in philanthropy to put my conscience at ease but don't start whining about how my latest pair of ferragamos could have feed a village in Africa. Are you kidding me... I would kill to be skinny like those kids! If you can never be too skinny or too rich, 1 out of 2 ain't bad.

Rules of My Existence

1. Materialism is my religion.

2. Any prick can pretend he's Gordon Gekko in a bull market but show me a man who's buying a new 911 Turbo off the floor of the dealership when the TSX is below 8000 and I'll call him friend.

3. Starting out in finance can be a difficult existence but always remember that the rigid hierarchy inside the office does not apply once you walk out those doors - just because you're my MD doesn't mean your single mother didn't put you through Harvard by making sure my Mother's rose garden was always presentable.

To Be Continued...